Dear Friends, Family, Fans, Abolish the Crate Federation Members and supporters of Santa Claus,

Happy Holidays!

I have often thought that the general public has a tendency to overlook the important role of Santa’s support staff. After all, without their help, Santa would be completely overwhelmed and unable to deliver all the treats. I don’t know about you but I find the thought of failed treat delivery simply too painful to contemplate.

I was mentioning this to Dawson the other day only to find that he is surprisingly well informed about Santa’s delivery system (his reindeer). For example, did you know that reindeer are banned from flying for two hours after eating? And, that Santa’s reindeer has a strict curfew all the other nights of the year? Also, reindeer are vehemently opposed to using google maps! Who knew? Dawson mentioned a bunch of other stuff about reindeer but his enthusiasm got the best of him and when that happens he talks so quickly I can’t keep up. He is literally a whirlwind of information!

When Dawson took a breath, I quickly asked him, “Why the interest in reindeer?” Dawson said that he wanted to increase his running speed so he researched fast animals to see if there was anything they did that he could incorporate into his training program. He stated it was the fact that reindeer could fly through the air which made him decide over choosing the cheetah. I thought that was a very good decision since cheetahs are basically big cats and I personally know that cats are unwilling to share information (it’s a long story).

Since Dawson runs like the wind I could certainly understand his interest in flying through the air. After all his reindeer research, Dawson said he was curious about three things. One, the speed at which reindeer fly. Two, their ability to travel around the world without a sleep break. And, three, how do they do it without google maps? After much pleading, I was able to get Dawson to ask another question, “What are the chances of a failed treat delivery?”

These questions led Dawson to reach out to one of Santa’s reindeer, Dasher. Dawson said he choose Dasher because he is known to be the fastest reindeer. I knew of Dasher because of his reputation as an excellent comedian. Of course, everyone knows of his joke that begins, “Two reindeer walk into a bar…” which won best holiday joke of 2018 at the 2018 Annual Holiday Jokester Convention in Las Vegas. In my opinion, that joke was, and remains, comedic genius.

Unfortunately, according to Dawson, Dasher (and all the other reindeer) signed a non-disclosure agreement with Santa so he was unable to answer Dawson’s questions. Dasher was able to answer my question. He told Dawson there is no chance of failed treat delivery (and Dawson said he looked a little insulted by the question).

Even though Dawson was unable to get his questions answered, he continues regular correspondence with Dasher. I know this because I can hear Dawson laughing whenever he receives a letter from him. He thinks Dasher is hilarious.

Me? I’m just relieved to learn that there’s no such thing a a failed treat delivery.

But only if treats are delivered via Santa’s reindeer.


Grady Buford Huntley
Spiritual Advisor
Abolish The Crate Federation


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